Why Are We Watching The Watchmen?
by Roxius
Summary: A series of Watchmen-related humorous drabbles I've come up with. There'll be parodies, actual one-shots, and other stuff. There's song parodies, too. Please R & R!
1. Living In A Watchmen Paradise

Disclaimer: I do not own Watchmen. Nor do I own 'Amish Paradise' by Weird al Yankovic.

A/N: This is the first chapter for what will be my main fic for all humor-based Watchmen drabbles I make from now on. The lengths of the chapters will vary. OOCness is basically a must in most situations, but I'll try my best with keeping them somewhat in-character.

There'll be some parodies, too...

This one is another song parody (of "Amish Paradise" no less) , but the others will range from actual stories and such...don't worry...

* * *

As I walk through the city where I harvest the baddies  
I take a look at Silver Spectre and realize she's very slutty  
But that's just perfect for a masked man like me  
You know I shun fancy things like super-abilities!  
At 4:30 in the morning, I'm milkin' for info  
Zeidt feeds the aliens and Dr. Manhattan flies...fool!  
And I've been milkin' and flying so long, that  
Even Daniel thinks that my mind is gone!  
I'm a man of the states, I'm into discipline  
Got a knife in my hand and a mask on my face!  
But if I finish all of my chores and you finish thine,  
Then tonight were gonna party like its 1985!!

We been spending most our lives  
Living in a Watchmen paradise  
I've churned blood once or twice  
Living in a Watchmen paradise  
It's hard work and sacrifice  
Living in a Watchmen paradise  
We sell action figures at a discount price  
Living in a Watchmen paradise

My own mother kicked me in the butt last week,  
I just frowned at her and I turned the other cheek!  
I really don't care, in fact I wish her well  
cause I'll be laughing my head off when she's burning in hell!  
But I ain't never punched an ally even if he deserved it,  
A masked man with a' tude?  
You know that's quite heard of!  
I always carry a smiley-face button, and I got a cool hat!  
And all my superhero homies agree  
I really look good in brown...fool!  
If you come to visit, you'll be bored to tears,  
We haven't even kicked any ass in the past 8 years!  
But we ain't really quaint, so please don't point and stare,  
We're just technologically superior!!

There's a wireless phone, some headlights, and an owl-shaped motorcar;  
Not a single normal luxury!  
Like Alan Moore,  
It's as weird as can be!!

We been spending most our lives  
Living in a Watchmen paradise  
We're just plain and simple guys  
Living in a Watchmen paradise  
There's no time for sin and vice  
Living in a Watchmen paradise  
We always fight, we never play nice  
Living in a Watchmen paradise

Hitchin' up the Owlship, churnin' lots of beans  
Raised some hell on Monday, soon I'll raise some more!!  
Think you're really righteous?  
Think you're pure in heart?  
Well, I know I'm a million time as less humble as thou art!!!  
I'm the 'pious guy the little heroes wanna be like,  
On my feet day and night, sendin' people to the afterlife!  
So don't be vain...and don't be whiny!  
Or else, Moloch, I might have to go all Rorschach on your cancer-ridden heinie!!

We been spending most of our 12-issue lives  
Living in a Watchmen paradise  
We're all crazy megalomaniacs  
Living in a Watchmen paradise  
There's no useful cops or trans-fluorescent lighting  
Living in a Watchmen paradise  
So you'd probably think it bites  
Living in a Watchmen paradise

Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh  
Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-hurm...


	2. Dr Manhattan's Weakness

Disclaimer: I do not own Watchmen.

* * *

**_DR. MANHATTAN'S WEAKNESS_**

It was a rather peaceful day in New York, with a 0% rating of crime so far, so the Minutemen decided to waste some time by hanging out at the local pool. Captain Metropolis oddly declined the offer, since he had to attend church with his mother that day. Zeidt was busy, as well.

Anyway...

"C'mon, Jon, the water's really great!!" Laurie called out to her big blue boyfriend as she waded around in the deep-end of the large pool. The Comedian was about to swim over to their female companion, a lustful expression on his face, when Dan grabbed him in a head-lock, and the two men began to wrestle underwater. Out by the pool's edge, Rorschach and Dr. Manhattan sat on two folding chairs, seemingly content with remaining dry. Rorschach was wearing his custom-made US Flag swimming trunks, and Dr. Manhattan was naked as usual. Every now and then, passerby would give them strange looks, and others would smirk at the sight of the blue man's genitals.

"...Going in?" Rorschach grunted.

Dr. Manhattan shook his head. "No thank you. I'm...I'm much happier watching the others enjoy themselves in the water..."

Rorschach raised an eyebrow. "Afraid?"

"What? No...no, of course not..." Dr. Manhattan stammered; the slight hint of nervousness in his voice was easily caught by Rorschach's acute hearing.

"Then swim,"

"No thanks."

"Prove you're not afraid..."

"I don't need to prove anything to you."

"Yes, you do. Don't...and I'll tell others you can't swim..."

Dr. Manhattan's glowing white eyes grew wide. "W-What...?!"

"Show that you can swim...nothing to lose..."

"Rorschach...like I just said, I don't need to prove anything to you...now be quiet..."

Rorschach wasn't happy with that reply; standing up, he walked around the back of Dr. Manhattan's chair, and flipped it over, causing the blue man to tumble directly into the pool. Dr. Manhattan burst out of the water and waved his arms around frantically for a moment before sinking back under, and several bubbles floated up to the surface...and then there was nothing.

"...OH MY GOD!!!" Laurie shrieked in horror.

Rorschach cringed. "...Had not expected this...will investigate later..."

"WE HAVE TO SAVE HIM!!! JON CAN'T SWIM!!!" Laurie cried.

The Comedian was about to rush over to save his god-like ally, when he stopped. Turning to Laurie, he asked, "Wait a fuckin' minute here...he's invincible, he can teleport anywhere in the world, he can blow people to smithereens just by thinking about it, he can breath perfectly fine in space...and yet he can still drown?"

"YES!!!" Laurie snapped, "NOW SAVE HIM, YOU DICKHEAD!!!"

"Geez...no need for harsh words there, little missy..."

Rorschach took a step forward, only an inch away now from plunging into the deep pool. Pulling off his mask, he tossed it off to the side, and proclaimed, "IS MY FAULT...WILL SAVE HIM NOW!!!"

"No, Rorschach!!! Don't be a hero!!!" Dan shouted.

Rorschach ignored Dan's plea, and he performed a graceful dive into the water...and he sunk like a rock.

"RORSCHACH CAN'T SWIM, EITHER?!!!" Laurie and The Comedian both exclaimed in unison.

Dan nodded. "That's why I told him not to be a hero!!!"

In the end, Rorschach and Dr. Manhattan were rescued by the combined efforts of Dan and The Comedian, who had both decided that it would be best for the team if their two teammates took swimming lessons for a while...


	3. Rorschach Removes His Mask

Disclaimer: I do not own Watchmen.

* * *

**_RORSCHACH REMOVES HIS MASK_**

"Alright, Rorschach...if you don't want to be thrown in jail, you'll have to take off your mask and reveal your identity...it's the only choice we have left...I'm sorry it ended up like this, but this is how things are now..."

Rorschach scowled at Dan's words. "...Don't want to...mask is my face..."

"C'mon, Rorschach...afterwards, we can go get some beers together or something," Dan offered, trying to convince his friend to just follow the law for once in his life. Standing close behind the former Nite Owl II were Laurie and Dr. Manhattan, both of them growing a bit impatient with Rorschach's reluctance.

"Hey, Jon," Laurie whispered, "Can't you just use your powers to blow off his mask or something...?"

Dr. Manhattan nodded. "Yes, I can..."

"Then, do it! I'm getting really tired of this! I wanna go back to your place and fuck...!!"

"Laurie...watch your language..."

Laurie tossed her older boyfriend a nasty death glare. "SHUT THE FUCK UP, JON."

"...Yes, ma'am..." Dr. Manhattan immediately shut up.

"C'mon, Rorschach, take it off!! We all want to go home already!" Dan snapped, this time in a much louder, more threatening tone.

Roschach sighed. "Fine, fine...be like that...hurm..."

Reaching up, he slowly began to remove his mask. As he did so, four-foot-long bright-red hair flowed out over his shoulders, and his voice suddenly became very high-pitched and feminine. Finally, the entire mask came off, and Dan, Laurie and Dr. Manhattan all gasped in shock.

Rorschach...was the most beautiful woman the three heroes had ever laid their eyes on. She had wide, emerald-green eyes and long blood-red eyelashes. She had shiny plump lips, and a beautifully rounded face. They could almost see the sparkles flashing around Rorschach's head. It was like seeing a real-life anime character.

Without warning, Laurie felt a trail of blood pour out of her nostrils, and she dashed out of the room in both horror and embarrassment. Neither Dan nor Dr. Manhattan could take their eyes off of Rorschach.

"...This good?" Rorschach asked.

Dan nodded, his cheeks bright red. "Uh...y-yeah...that's good..."

Dr. Manhattan, however, had a perverted grin, and he sneered, "Take the rest of it off..."

Shrugging her shoulders, Rorschach began undoing her jacket without question, but Dan quickly stopped her, for both their sakes and her's.


	4. It's Probably Really Embarrassing

Disclaimer: Did you know that I do not own Watchmen?

A/N: Very short drabble...

* * *

The Comedian looked Dr. Manhattan up and down a few times, and he smirked. "...So, you like to walk around in the nude?"

Dr. Manhattan shrugged. "Yes...what of it?"

"It must be pretty awkward," The Comedian sneered, "When you get a boner in public situations...it must be really, really awkward...everyone can see it...very embarrassing...ho ho..." He lit a cigar and stuck it in between his lips.

"...You're right...it is..." Dr. Manhattan admitted with a heavy sigh.


	5. Will The Real Manhattan Please Stand Up?

Disclaimer: Who owns the Watchmen? Certainly not I.

A/N: Another song parody...with the song "The Real Slim Shady" by Eminem...I don't officially own that song either, just so you all know...and I know I've used this song before, but it's just so easy to mess around with, I just can't help it...:P especially since it actually FITS in this situation, since he can make multiple copies of himself...

* * *

**_THE REAL DR. MANHATTAN_**

May I have your attention please?  
May I have your attention please?  
Will the real Dr. Manhattan please stand up?  
I repeat, will the real Dr. Manhattan please stand up?  
We're gonna have a problem here..

Y'all act like you never seen a blue person before,  
Jaws all on the floor like Silver Spectre I, like The Comedian just burst in the door  
and started whoopin' her ass worse than anyone before  
he first tried rapin' her, smackin' her against furniture (Ahh!)  
It's the return of the... "Ah, wait, no way, you're kidding,  
he didn't just say what I think he did, did he?"  
And Dollar Bill said... nothing you idiots!  
Dollar Bill's dead, he's locked in my basement! (Ha-ha!)  
Feminist women love Manhattan;  
_[*vocal turntable: chigga chigga chigga*]_  
"Dr. Manhattan, I'm sick of him  
Look at him, walkin around showin' off his you-know-what  
Fuckin' the you-know-who," "Yeah, but he's so cute though!"  
Yeah, I probably got a couple of screws up in my head loose  
But no worse, than what's goin' on in my three bedrooms  
Sometimes, I wanna fly to Mars and just let loose, but can't  
but it's cool for Ozymandias to unleash a dead alien,  
"My lips are on your bum, my lips are on your bum"  
And if I'm lucky, you might just let me give it a little kiss  
And that's the message that we deliver to little kids  
And expect them not to know what a woman's clitoris is  
Of course they gonna know what intercourse is  
By the time they hit fourth grade  
They got the Discovery Channel don't they?  
"We ain't nothing but mammals.." Well, some of us cannibals  
who cut other people open like cantaloupes _[SLURP]_  
But if we can hump dead animals and antelopes  
then there's no reason that a Metropolis and Hooded Justice can't elope  
_[*EWWW!*]_ But if you feel like I feel, I got the antidote  
Women, wave your pantyhose, sing the chorus and it goes

_[(repeat 2X)]_

'Cause I'm Dr. Manhattan, yes, I'm the real Dr. Manhattan  
All you other Dr. Manhattans are just imitating  
So won't the real Dr. Manhattan please stand up,  
please stand up, please stand up?

Nite Owl don't gotta cuss in his raps to sell his records;  
well I do, so I'll fuck him and I'll fuck you too!  
You think I give a damn about presidental respect?  
Half of you journalists can't even stomach me, let alone stand me  
"But Jon, what if you win, wouldn't it be weird?"  
Why? So you guys could just lie to get me here?  
So you can, sit me here next to Laurie Juspeczyk?  
Shit, The Silhouette better switch me chairs,  
so I can sit next to Mothman and Rorschach,  
and hear 'em argue over who she gave head to first  
You little bitch, put me on blast on MTV  
"Yeah, he's cute, but I think he's married to Janie, hee-hee!"  
I should download that audio on MP3  
and show the whole world how I gave them cancer _[AHHH!]_  
I'm sick of you little Russian and Korean foreign militias, all you do is annoy me  
so I have been sent here by the gov't to destroy you _[bzzzt]_  
And there's a million of us that just ain't like me  
who don't cuss like me; who just give a fuck unlike me  
who don't wear a damn thing like me; who don't walk, talk and act like me  
and who definitely is not the next best thing but it's still not quite me! ...Does that make sense?

_[Chorus]_

I'm like a head trip to listen to, cause I'm only givin' you  
things you joke about with your friends inside your living room  
The only difference is I got the balls to say it  
in front of y'all and I don't gotta be false or sugarcoated at all  
I just get on the mic and teleport ya,  
and whether you like to admit it _[*ERR*]_ I just shit it  
better than ninety percent of you superheroes out can  
Then you wonder how can kids eat up these comics like valiums  
It's funny; cause at the rate I'm goin when I'm thirty  
I'll be the only person in the nursin home flirting  
Pinchin' nurse's asses when I'm jackin off with Jergens  
And I'm jerkin' but this whole bag of Viagra isn't working;  
And every single person is a Dr. Manhattan lurkin,  
He could be workin at Burger King, spittin on your onion rings,  
_[*HACH*]_Or in the parkin lot, circling  
Screaming "I don't give a fuck!"  
with his windows down and his system up  
So, will the real Manhattan please stand up?  
And put one of those fingers on each hand up?  
And be proud to be outta your mind and outta control  
and one more time, loud as you can, how does it go?

_[Chorus 4X]_

Ha ha...  
Guess there's a Dr. Manhattan in all of us;  
Fuck it, let's all stand up...nothing ever ends...


	6. Nite Owl Is So White And Nerdy

Disclaimer: The truth is...I DO OWN THE WATCHMEN...sorta...kinda...not really...alright, so I don't! SO WHAT?!! I don't own the unedited lyrics version of this song, either.

A/N: Also, that 'Watchmen Saturday Morning Cartoon' video on Youtube...it's freakin' hilarious!!

Another song parody this time with another Weird Al song, but the next few chapters or so will be drabbles, I promise!!

--------------------

_**NITE OWL IS SO WHITE AND NERDY**_

They see me flyin'  
In my owlship  
I know the superheroes are thinking  
I'm so White N' Nerdy!

Think I'm just too white n' nerdy  
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy  
Can't you see I'm white n' nerdy  
Look at me I'm white n' nerdy!  
I wanna roll with...  
The masked men,  
But so far The Comedian thinks  
I'm too white n' nerdy  
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy  
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy  
I'm just too white n' nerdy  
Really, really white n' nerdy

First in my class here at M.I.T. (Masked. Institute of Technology)  
Got skills, I'm a Champion of YGO  
MC Hammer that's my favorite MC  
Keep your 35 minutes down,  
I'll just have an Dark Roast coffee!  
My goggles never spin to the contrary  
You'll find they're quite stationary  
All of my action figures are Spiderman  
That owl-watcher guy is in my library  
My secret lair is all totally pimped out  
I got Laurie begging for me to feel her  
Yo, I know Rorschach went to a thousand places  
Ain't got no grills but I still wear braces  
I order all of my beans with safety locks  
I'm a whiz at word puzzles, I can play for days  
Once you see my sweet moves, you're gonna stay amazed,  
my fingers movin' so fast I'll set the place ablaze  
There's no killer app, I haven't run  
At the brothel, well, I'm number 1  
Do vector calculus just for fun,  
I ain't got a gat but I gotta flamethrower gun  
Hallelujah is my favorite theme song  
I can sure kick your butt in a game of relative theory  
I'll ace any trivia quiz you bring on  
I'm fluent in Java Script as well as Klingon!  
Here's the part I sing on

They see me fly by, in my costume!  
I know in my heart those masked bastards think I'm  
white n' nerdy!  
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy  
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy  
Can't you see I'm white n' nerdy  
Look at me I'm white n' nerdy  
I'd like to roll with-  
The masked men  
Although it's disturbingly apparent I'm too  
White n' nerdy  
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy  
I'm just too white n' nerdy  
How'd I get so white n' nerdy?

I've been browsing, inspectin'  
DC comics, you know I collect 'em  
The gadgets in my pocket  
I must protect 'em  
my porno tapes never leaves me bored  
Shopping at the store for deals on some writable media  
I edit Rorschach's journal when he's not lookin'  
I memorized the Keene Law really well  
I can recite it right now and have you: "ROTFLOL"  
I got a business doing crime-busting,  
When the civs need some code, who do they call?  
I do the ass-kicking for them all  
Even tatooed my name on Rorschach's ass!  
Yo! Got myself a fanny pack,  
they were having a sale down at the GAP  
Spend my nights with a roll of bubble wrap dressed like Silk Spectre,  
POP POP! Hope no one sees me...gettin' freaky!

I'm nerdy in the extreme and whiter than sour cream!  
I was in AV club and Glee club and even the chess team!  
Only question I ever thought was hard  
Was do I like Silk Spectre I or do I like Silk Spectre II?  
I spend every weekend  
at the cosplay-con,  
I got my name on my under-wear!

They see me flyin'...  
They laughin'...  
And rollin' their eyes 'cause  
I'm so white n' nerdy  
Just because I'm white n' nerdy  
Just because I'm white n' nerdy  
All because I'm white n' nerdy  
Holy cow I'm white n' nerdy  
I wanna bowl with-  
the masked men,  
but...oh well! It's obvious I'm  
white n' nerdy  
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy  
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy  
I'm just too white n' nerdy  
Look at me I'm white n' nerdy!

...but I still get the girl, bitches!!!


	7. The Comedian's Comedy Act

Disclaimer: If I owned Watchmen, it definitely wouldn't be as good as it is now...

I actually made a weird Watchmen video on Youtube, too, with some trailer scenes and the Lucky Star OP theme song in the background...my name there is 'Roxiusas'.

---------

_**THE COMEDIAN'S COMEDY ACT**_

The Comedian coughed loudly into his fist as he stepped up onto the stage. All the lights were on him, and the crowd stared intensely, waiting to be amused by this rugged individual. The Comedian gulped, and shifted slightly in his position before he began to speak. Hot sweat trickled down his hairy legs within his tight leather pants, and he licked his plump, dry lips nervously...wait, this isn't an erotic story...sorry about that last sentence there...

Moving along...!!!

Holding the microphone up to his lips, The Comedian put on a big smile as he shouted, "Hey, everyone, how y'all doin'?!! I just flew in from fightin' in the Vietnam War, and boy, are my arms tired!!! Those Vietcong bastards' arms are tired too, but that's because I blew 'em to pieces!!!"

There was silence. Nite Owl stood up from his table, and began clapping, but quickly stopped when he realized he was the only one doing it. Sitting beside him were the other Minutemen, who wanted nothing more than to leave. They had only come because The Comedian was their friend, after all.

"A...Anyway," The Comedian was slightly taken aback by the cold reaction from the crowd, but he wouldn't let himself be defeated that easily, "So...uh-huh...I was, uh, at this bar a few days before I left the Vietnam, and this bitch I knocked up comes in and starts telling me all this shit, saying I should stay with her and bull-crap like that. I didn't give a damn what she thought, but then the bitch attacked me with a broken beer bottle, and now I got this nasty scar on my face. I was kinda drunk, and really pissed right then, so I shot her...ha ha ha ha ha...yeah, I shot her dead, without hesitation...ha ha ha...and I was like 'WHAT A TWEEST'...ha ha ha...oh, man, that's totally a story for the kiddies out in the audience...am I right, or am I right? Hoh hoh hooh...black comedy rules...ha ha ha hah ha...I should really stop laughing..."

Silence once again.

"I like setting people on fire, too..." The Comedian added in quickly.

Dr. Manhattan palm-faced. 'You're not supposed to tell them things that ACTUALLY happened, you dumbass...'

Standing up, Laurie cupped his hands around his mouth, and shouted, "YOU SUCK!!!!" The Comedian's confidence crumbled to pieces like a piece of old paper under a large man's foot.

"Not very funny for a comedian..." Rorschach mumbled. The entire crowd nodded in agreement.


	8. Bubastis's Clues

Disclaimer: I don't own, nor do I watch those dear beloved Watchmen of ours...

* * *

**_BUBASTIS'S CLUES_**

Ozymandias: Oh, Ok, so to play Bubastis's clues... we gotta find a...  
KIDS: Paw-print!  
Ozymandias: Right 'cause that's the first...  
KIDS: Clue!  
Ozymandias: Yeah! And then we put it in our notebook...

'Cause they're Bubastis's clues... Bubastis's clues......!!!

We gotta find another pawprint...  
That's the second clue!

We put it in our notebook 'cause they're who's clues? Bubastis's clues...

We gotta find the last paw-print,  
That's the third clue! We put it in our  
notebook 'cause they're Bubastis's clues... who's  
clues? Bubastis's clues! You know what to do!  
Meditate in our thinking chair and think... think... thi-i-ink!  
Cause when we use our minds and take a step at a time,  
We can do any THING... that we wanna do!

Ozymandias: Ok... it's clue time!

-----------------

"Hey, kids!!" Ozymandias exclaimed to the screen as he turned to face the 'audience', "Today, it seems that my good buddy Bubastis has left three clues for us to find in my large Antarctic fortress today! So...let's get this show on the road!!!"

Suddenly, a child's voice off-screen shouted, "A CLUE!!! A CLUE!!!"

Ozymandias gasped. "A...A clue, you say?! Where?!"

"BEHIND YOU!!!"

Looking around, Ozymandias did indeed find a paw-print, and it was on a newspaper with the headline 'NUCLEAR WAR SEEMS UNAVOIDABLE'.

"Oh, my..." Ozymandias picked up the newspaper, Bubastis is trying to tell me something about the war...I wonder what this could mean? Hmm...we need to find the other two clues first before we can ponder on this! C'mon, kids, let's see if that tricky little lynx of mine has left any more paw-prints close by!!"

Ozymandias headed out into the hallway, only to suddenly bump into one of the three nameless Korean men he let live at his pad because they were his 'homies'.

"Uh...hello there, nameless Korean #2...have you seen where Bubastis may have went?"

The Korean man nodded, and pointed off in the direction of Ozymandias's bedroom. A perverted smirk formed on Ozymandias's lips.

"THANK YOU VERY MUCH, KOREAN MAN!!!" Ozymandias called as he ran off, laughing loudly. The Korean man sighed heavily and shook his head.

'Why must he be such a WACK-ASS PUSSY, anyway...?'


	9. Ozymandias Likes Big Aliens

Disclaimer: I don't own those silly little Watchmen. Nor do I own the song 'I Like Big Butts'.

A/N: This was originally gonna be about Dr. Manhattan's wang, but I didn't feel like upping the rating to 'M'.

--------

_**OZYMANDIAS LIKES BIG ALIENS AND HE CANNOT LIE**_

Nite Owl - "...Oh my god  
Rorschach, look at that alien,  
Its so big...  
It looks like one of those weird science experiments...  
Who understands those science guys...  
They only wanted to make it because it looks like a friggin' alien...  
I mean its head,  
It's just so big  
I can't believe it's so round  
It's just out there  
I mean, it's gross  
Look, it's just so green!!"

*rap*  
Ozymandias- "I like big aliens and I can not lie  
You other superheroes can't deny  
That when a alien walks in with a big ol' brain  
And a round thing in your face  
You get blown!  
Wanna run away screaming,  
Cuz you notice those tentacles are stuffed!  
Deep in the mouth-like crevice,  
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring  
Oh, baby, I wanna get with ya  
And take your picture...  
My homeboys tried to warn me;  
But that explosion you unleashed,  
Make Me so horny!!!  
Ooh, rump of slimy skin,  
You say you wanna get in my benz?  
Well use me, use me, 'cuz you ain't that average spooky!

"I've seen them flyin'...  
To hell with denyin'...  
It's Sweat, Wet, got it goin' like a atom bomb...

I'm tired of magazines,  
Saying nuclear wars are the thing!  
Take the average smart man and ask him that  
Those aliens gotta pack much back!!

So Fellas (yeah) Fellas(yeah)  
Has your alien killed off half of New York?!! (hell yeah)  
Well, shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it, shake that healthy oversized brain!!!  
Alien got back!!!

I like'em round and big  
And when I'm throwin' a gig  
I just can't help myself  
I'm actin like an animal...  
Now here's my scandal!!

I wanna warp it to New York,  
And UH, double up UH UH!!!  
I ain't talkin' bout TIME mag,  
Cuz' silicone tentacles were made for toys  
I want 'em tentacles real thick and juicy  
So find that juicy double,  
Ozy's in trouble,  
Beggin' for a piece of that bubble!!  
So I'm lookin' at horror videos  
Knockin' these Xenomorphs walkin' like foes  
You can have them fake extraterrestrials!!  
I'll keep my aliens like Flo Jo!!  
A word to the thick soul Spectres,  
I wanna get with ya,  
I won't cus' or hit ya  
But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna --  
Til the break of dawn,  
Alien Got it goin on!  
Alot of masked men won't like this song  
Cuz them punks lie to hit it and quit it!  
But I'd rather stay and play,  
Cuz I'm smart and I'm strong,  
And I'm down to get the science fiction on!

So Aliens, (yeah), Aliens, (yeah)  
Do you wanna be part of my master plan, (yeah)  
Then turn around,  
Jump on that portal!  
Even white boys got to shout,  
When you blow everything to rubble!!!

Yeah, foolls,  
When it comes to aliens,  
The galaxy ain't got nothin 'to do with my selection  
36-24-36  
Only if it's 5'3"

So your girlfriend drives in your owlship,  
Playin' workout music by Billy Joel,  
But that owlship ain't got a motor in the back of her zonda!!!  
My lynx don't want none unless you've got the token, Vulcan!!!  
You can screech and howl all you want, but please don't lose that igenuity,  
Some masked brothas wanna play that hard role,  
And tell you that the evil plan of mine ain't gold,  
So they toss it and leave it,  
And I pull up quick to retrieve it!  
So Nite Owl says you're fat,  
Well I ain't down with that!  
Cuz your single eye is small and your brain is kickin',  
And I'm thinkin' bout stickin'!  
To the beanpole vigilantes in the magazines  
You ain't it, miss thing!  
Give me that Silk Spectre I can't resist her  
Red beans and rice did miss Rorschach,  
Dr. Manhattan tried to dis,  
'Cuz those Communists were on my list,  
He had game but he chose to hit 'em,  
And pulled up quick to get with 'em!  
So aliens if the head is round,  
And you wanna triple X throw down  
Dial 1-900-OZYMANDIAS and kick them nasty thoughts!!!  
Alien got back  
Alien got back  
Little in tha' middle but it got much back x4


	10. Hey There, Rorschach

Disclaimer: I don't own the Watchmen, so stop asking me, dammit!!! I don't own The White Stripes' 'Hey There Delilah'. It's alot easier to come up with song parodies than actual drabbles, so I apologize.

* * *

**_NITE OWL'S AMBIGUOUSLY GAY SONG TO RORSCHACH AFTER HE DIED_**

Hey there, Rorschach,  
What's it like in New York City?  
I'm a only a few blocks away  
But, dude, tonight you look so gritty  
Yes you do...  
Times Square can't shine as dimly as you  
I swear it's true...

Hey there, Rorschach,  
Don't you worry about the situation  
I'll be thinkin' about you as you pass on,  
But before you go, Give this song another listen  
Close your eyes...  
Listen to my voice, my mask is my disguise  
I'm by your side...

Oh it's what you do to my beans  
Oh it's what you do to my beans  
Oh it's what you do to my beans  
Oh it's what you do to my beans  
What you do to my beans...

Hey there, Rorschach  
I know times are getting hard,  
But just believe me, bud  
Someday I'll pay the bills with these gadgets  
We'd have it good...  
We'd have the life we had always hoped we would  
My word is good...

Hey there, Rorschach,  
I' had got so much left to say...  
If every simple song I sang for you  
Would take your breath away...  
I'd write it all...  
Even more involved with you and I'd fall  
We'd have it all...

Oh it's what you do to my beans  
Oh it's what you do to my beans  
Oh it's what you do to my beans  
Oh it's what you do to my beans...

A thousand light-years seems pretty far...  
But we've got owlships, hovering scooters, and teleportation devices,  
I'd fly to you if I had no other way...  
Our masked friends would all make fun of us,  
and we'll just laugh along because we know  
That none of them had felt this way...

Rorschach, I can promise you  
That by the time this is all through,  
The world will never ever be the same  
And Ozymandias is to blame...

Hey there Rorschach,  
You be good up in heaven and don't you miss me...  
Twenty-seven more years and I might be dead too...  
And I'll be making history like I do...  
You'll know it's all because of you...  
We can do whatever we want to...  
Hey there, Rorschach, here's to you...  
This one's for you...

Oh it's what you do to my beans  
Oh it's what you do to my beans  
Oh it's what you do to my beans  
Oh it's what you do to my beans  
What you do to my beans...


	11. Bathtime

Disclaimer: I do not own Watchmen.

A/N: Sorry, it's short...I promise the next chapter will be better...

* * *

**_BATHTIME_**

"GET...IN...THE...TUB!!! YOU STINK LIKE SHIT, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! YOU'RE TAKING A BATH RIGHT NOW!!!"

"NO!!! NEVER COMPROMISE!!! NEVER COMPROMISE!!!"

Dan couldn't help but snicker as he watched Laurie struggle with all of her might to force Walter to take a much-needed bath. She had a bar of soap and a loofah sponge in her hands, and she was attempting to kick Walter into the tub with her feet. Completely unrelenting, Walter held himself back from touching the steaming hot water as much as he could. Dan wasn't sure which one of them he truly felt pity for.

Turning to Dan, Laurie whined, "Dan...help me out here!!!" She gave him the usual 'sad puppy eyes' look she did whenever she wanted something. Like usual, it worked.

"No, Daniel!! Don't be a traitor!!! Never compromise!!!" Walter cried loudly.

"Sorry, Rorschach, old buddy..." Sighing and shaking his head, Dan walked up behind Walter, and knocked him in with a simple push to the back. Walter let out an unnaturally high-pitched shriek as he hit the water.

"DAMN YOU, DANIEL!!!" Walter gasped, waving his arms about frantically as if he was going to drown.

"Ha ha ha!!!" Laurie cackled as she pounced upon the red-headed man with the soap, "I GOT YOU NOW, SMELLY!!!"

"HUUUUUUUURM...!!!"

Poor Walter's exasperated pleas for mercy could be heard echoing throughout all of New York that day...


	12. My Milkshake Brings All The Boys

Disclaimer: I do not own Watchmen.

A/N: This is totally nonsensical, since i-pods were not around the time period that Watchmen took place...

For some reason, these just can't become very long...the next chapter will have a really big Dragon Ball Z reference, just so you know...

* * *

It was the dead of night, and a lone figure stood before the immense building where one Edward Blake had been thrown out of the window from his apartment room only a day ago. This figure was Rorschach, the enemy of criminals and defender of right-wing justice. Unsheathing a grappling hook from within his coat, Rorschach aimed the weapon up towards the window of Blake's room, and fired. Without much effort, he was now inside the dead man's apartment room within seconds. Leaping off the edge of the window, Rorschach kicked away a few large shards of glass as he made his way towards a large, ominous-looking closet across the room.

"...Hurm..."

Rorschach took two steps forward...and then stopped. There was small, rectangular white object lying on the floor before him. He knelt down beside the object, and carefully lifted it into his gloved palm; it was an i-pod. Rorschach scratched his chin, deep in thought. Quickly, he glanced once to the right, then once to the left. Then, he completely removed his mask, and placed the two miniature headphones of the i-pod into his ears.

'What music on here...?' Rorschach wondered as he scrolled through the choices. What he found, however, both shocked and disturbed him. Unable to take his eyes away from the tiny screen, he pressed the 'PLAY' button, and a certain song began to pound in his eardrums:

_"My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard,  
And their like  
It's better than yours,  
Damn right it's better than yours,  
I can teach you,  
But I have to charge..."_

Horrified and disgusted, Rorschach pulled the headphones out of his ears, and threw the i-pod as far as he could out the window, his heart pounding violently against his chest. He was still breathing heavily as he pulled his mask back over his head.

'Oh god...song always gets me jumpin'...' Basically, Rorschach was afraid to hear that song, because every time he hears it, he can't help but break out into disco-dancing for some bizarre reason. However, Rorschach quickly regained his composure, and decided to resume this investigation...


	13. The OC Attack

Disclaimer: I do not own Watchmen...and I don't wanna, either!

A/N: I decided not to do the whole DBZ reference thing...so here's something else instead!!!

* * *

**_THE OC ATTACK_**

Rorschach was breathing heavily as he ran down the alleyway, glancing over his shoulder every few seconds. His heart was pounding, his legs felt like they were on fire, his head hurt, and his arms ached. Yet, he couldn't risk stopping for even a second. For if he did...it would mean the end for him. As he continued to run, he reached into his coat pocket and pulled out his journal. He could now hear loud high-pitched shrieks growing closer and closer with every passing moment. Rorschach opened his journal and began to write hastily. The huge accumulation of rampaging footsteps shook the very ground. They were on his trail...and they were gaining on him.

"April 15, 1978," Rorschach muttered aloud as he wrote, the sounds approaching from behind, "May be final night alive. Running for long time. Getting tired. They're everywhere. Can't avoid them. Daniel and Dr. Manhattan and Adrian (who is possibly homosexual) already fallen into their clutches. Now they want me...but I do not want them. Hear them getting closer now. Soon they will have me. May be torn apart, may be eaten, may be smothered...don't know which. Would rather not die, to tell truth. Would fight back too, but...can't fight women. Morals."

Suddenly, he felt a pair of thin, anorexic arms wrap around his waist while he was still running. Rorschach glanced down, and saw a young brown-haired girl of about 14 years of age smiling back up at him. Rorschach let out a gasp of horror. For the first time, he felt afraid for his own life.

"Hey...Rorschach baby...give me some sugar..." the girl purred, and she pulled Rorschach to the ground. Soon, more and more of these preteen girls, some of them around 18 and older, began emerging from the shadows, all of them walking slowly as they approached poor Rorschach, who was struggling to get back up with the entirety of his might. However, all of the running from earlier had tired him out. He couldn't move anymore.

"Hurm..." Rorschach grunted in defeat. Then...the OCs all pounced upon him at once.

---

---

---

---

---

---

R.I.P. Rorschach/Walter Kovacs...


	14. My Name Is Walter Kovacs

Disclaimer: You do all know I don't own Watchmen...right? If I did, I wouldn't be writing this...I don't own 'My Name is...' by Eminem either...

A/N: It's always fun to make a mockery of his 'rap songs'...if you can call them that...

* * *

**_MY NAME IS WALTER KOVACS_**

Hi! My name is...(what?) My name is...(who?)  
My name is...Walter Kovacs!  
Hi! My name is...(huh?) My name is..(what?)  
My name is...Walter Kovacs!

Hi! My name is...(what?) My name is...(who?)  
My name is...Walter Kovacs!  
Hi! My name is...(huh?) My name is..(what?)  
My name is...Walter Kovacs!

Ahem.. excuse me!  
Can I have the attention of all of New York for one second?

Hi, kids! Do you like violence? (Yeah yeah yeah!)  
Wanna see me chop open a German Shepard's head? (Uh-huh!)  
Wanna copy me and set a fat ass on fire just like I did? (Yeah yeah!)  
Try being a masked hero and get fucked up worse than my life is? (Huh?)  
My brain's dead weight, I'm not even tryin' to get my head straight...  
but I can't figure out which Silk Spectre I want to impregnate (Ummmm...)  
And Malcolm Long said, "Walter Kovacs, you a basehead!"  
Uh-uhhh! "So why's your hair red? Man, you wasted!"  
Well since age twelve, I've felt like I'm someone else  
Cause I disposed my original self after Kitty's murder  
Got pissed off and stuck a cigarette in some kid's eye  
And smacked him so hard I knocked his ass backwards like Kris Kross  
I jumped through a window and fell on my ass,  
faster than my fat bitch momma who sat down too fast,  
C'mere, Laurie! (Walter, wait a minute, that's my girl, dog!)  
I don't give a fuck, God sent me to piss the police off!

Hi! My name is...(what?) My name is...(who?)  
My name is...Walter Kovacs!  
Hi! My name is...(huh?) My name is..(what?)  
My name is...Walter Kovacs!

Hi! My name is...(what?) My name is...(who?)  
My name is...Walter Kovacs!  
Hi! My name is...(huh?) My name is..(what?)  
My name is...Walter Kovacs!

My Psychology teacher wanted to flunk me in junior high  
Thanks a lot, next semester I'll be thirty-five  
I shot him in the face with a grappling gun, snapped off his fingers with a stapler,  
and smacked him in the head with a ruler (Owwwwwwww!)  
Walked in the strip club, had my jacket zipped up  
Punched the bartender, then stuck his face in the tip cup  
Dead Extraterrestrial, blowin' up pedestrians,  
warped in here while they screamin' at me: "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US THIS WOULD HAPPEN?!!!!"  
Ninety-nine percent of my life I was lied to,  
I just found out my mom has more sex than I do (Damn!)  
I told her I'd grow up to be a famous detective,  
Make her a record about being a prostitute and send her ass to jail (Oh thank you!)  
You know you blew up when the OCs rush at your feet,  
and try to touch your hands like some screamin Nixon fans! (Aaahhhhhh!)  
This guy at Sing Sing jail asked for my autograph  
(Dude, can I get your autograph?)  
So I grabbed a vat of cooking fat and threw it in his face!

Hi! My name is...(what?) My name is...(who?)  
My name is...Walter Kovacs!  
Hi! My name is...(huh?) My name is..(what?)  
My name is...Walter Kovacs!

Hi! My name is...(what?) My name is...(who?)  
My name is...Walter Kovacs!  
Hi! My name is...(huh?) My name is..(what?)  
My name is...Walter Kovacs!

Stop the tape! This kid needs to be locked away! (Get him!)  
Dr. Long, don't just stand there, OPERATE!  
I'm not ready to leave, it's too scary to die (Fuck that!)  
I'll have to be blown to pieces while crying my eyes out!  
(Huh yup!) Am I comin' or goin'? I can barely decide  
I just ate a can of frozen beans -- dare me to drive? (Go ahead)  
All my life I was very deprived,  
I ain't spoken to a woman in years, and my palms are too clammy to hide  
(Whoops!) Clothes splattered in blood all the time (hachhh-too)  
I mumble when I talk, I'll kill anything that walks (C'mere)  
When I was little I used to get so pissed I would throw fits,  
WHY YOU GOTTA BEAT ME, MOM? (WAH!)  
IS IT BECAUSE YOU AIN'T GOT NO TITS?! (WAHHH!)  
I lay awake and strap myself in the bed,  
Put a brown fedora on and shoot some douche in the head (BANG!)  
I'm steamin mad (Arrrggghhh!),  
And by the way, have you seen my dad? (Yeah?)  
Tell him that I really admire him, but only in this dream I had!

Hi! My name is...(what?) My name is...(who?)  
My name is...Walter Kovacs!  
Hi! My name is...(huh?) My name is..(what?)  
My name is...Walter Kovacs!

Hi! My name is...(what?) My name is...(who?)  
My name is...Walter Kovacs!  
Hi! My name is...(huh?) My name is..(what?)  
My name is...Walter Kovacs!


	15. Rorschach Feels Bad

Disclaimer: I do not own The Watchmen. Most of the dialogue here doesn't belong to me either.

* * *

**_RORSCHACH FEELS BAD_**

"...And then he left," Moloch finished, breathing in as he finally finished explaining to Rorschach about the last time The Comedian had been seen before his death, "I don't know. I don't know what the hell it was about..."

Rorschach grabbed the aging man by the shirt and stared deeply into his fish-like eyes. "Hurm...funny story...sounds unbelievable...probably true..." Shaking his head, Rorschach let go, and Moloch staggered back up against the wall, and he quickly fixed his ruffled shirt collar.

"S-So, what, you mean that's IT? I'm CLEAN?" Moloch snapped.

Rorschach let out a muffled scoff. He reached into his pocket, and took out a small pill bottle. "Clean? You? Searched your house, before you got back. Knew you wouldn't mind. Found illegal drugs."

Moloch was growing nervous. "ILLEGAL...? But I don't USE drugs! Listen, if you're planting evidence-"

"Laetril. Phony medication. Made from apricot pits. Outlawed three years ago. Illegal..."

Moloch cursed under his breath; there was absolutely no way to get past Rorschach's amazing, if somewhat insane, intellect. "Oh, come on...you're not serious, are you? Look, I head that maybe it didn't work, but when you're desperate, you'll try anything. Please don't confiscate it...I have cancer..."

For a moment, Rorschach felt a shiver crawl up his spine. "C...Cancer? What kind of cancer?"

"Heh," A sad smile formed on Moloch's pale lips, "Well, now, y'know that kind of cancer you eventually get better from?"

"Yes..."

Moloch let out a heavy sigh. "Well...that ain't the kind of cancer I got..."

Rorschach gasped loudly, and the pill bottle in his hand slipped from his grip and hit the floor with a small THUD. "You...you mean...dead soon...?" Rorschach was shaking violently all over. Underneath his mask, his skin became drained of all color.

Moloch nodded.

"Oh...oh..." Much to Moloch's surprise, a small tear dripped out from underneath the vigilante's mask. Rorschach...was crying.

"For so long...thought I had it bad...abusive whore mother...everyone hated me...called names...beaten on...killed people with bare hands, and enjoyed it...but you...but you...actually going to die...sad...so sad...so very sad...feel terrible...feel really terrible for picking on you...I'm bad person...oh god...cancer kills...cancer kills...CANCER KILLS!!!"

"Err...yeah...it does..."

Moloch really wasn't sure how to respond; this was a totally unprecedented situation to have expected to take place. In fact, seeing Rorschach cry actually made him want to cry with him.

"Umm...you...you don't need to apologize...r-really...you don't have to say you're sorry to me...I'm not mad..." Moloch remarked nervously, trying to reach out to Rorschach, who just smacked his hand away as he ran out the front door, his face buried in his palms as he continued to weep. Once again, Moloch was alone in his own household.

The former criminal sighed deeply. 'God...I really hope he gets hit by a bus or something one of these days...'


	16. Walter's Angels

Disclaimer: I do not own Watchmen.

A/N: The title is a parody of 'Charlie's Angels'. It's short, but totally worth it...I hope...

* * *

**_WALTER'S ANGELS_**

Walter Kovacs let out a sad, sad sigh as he sat alone in his grimy little jail cell. "Damn...will never get out of here...stuck forever..."

Suddenly, the ceiling above him came crashing down, and Walter watched speechlessly as three figures stepped out through the smoke and debris. They were three old men in disturbingly tight jumpsuits. Walter f ought hard to keep back his urge to puke all over the floor in disgust.

The man in the middle, a fat balding black man, struck a flamboyant pose and exclaimed, "I'M MALCOLM LONG!!!"

The man on the right, a very short, almost dwarf-like, old guy with a cigar in his mouth made a similar pose. "YOU CAN CALL ME 'BIG FIGURE', SWEETIE!!!"

The final one, the geezer on the left, chuckled deviously, and squealed, "THE NAME'S MOLOCH...BITCH!!!"

"AND...WE ARE...WALTER'S ANGELS, YOUR PERSONAL INDENTURED SERVANTS!!! PLEASE TREAT US KINDLY!!!" They all proclaimed at once.

Walter cringed with horror. 'I...I don't want these people saving me...'


	17. More Cancer Jokes

Disclaimer: I do not own Watchmen.

A/N: This will be the last cancer-related chapter...or it might not be.

* * *

_**MORE CANCER JOKES**_

Taking a step forward, Nite Owl stared intensely at Ozymandias as he said, "So...you say that you GAVE all of those people cancer as a way to destroy Dr. Manhattan's reputation...?"

Ozymandias nodded. "Yes, I did say that..."

"But how...?" Nite Owl replied, scratching his chin.

"What?"

"Fucked them in the butt...gave them cancer..." Rorschach grunted under his breath. Nite Owl gasped, and his face scrunched up with disgust.

"NO!!" Ozymandias exclaimed quickly, "CANCER IS NOT A SEXUALLY-TRANSMITTABLE DISEASE!!!"

However, Rorschach either didn't hear Ozymandias, or he just chose to ignore him. "Always thought you were gay...now have proof...very happy..."

"No, you're wrong!! I didn't-"

"You're really gross, Adrian...you're an evil and disgusting man..." Nite Owl remarked, inching away from his former ally.

Ozymandias stomped his feet like a child throwing a tantrum. "I...I DIDN'T HAVE SEX WITH ANYONE, OKAY?!! IF I DID, THAT WOULD MEAN THAT I HAVE CANCER, TOO, WOULDN'T IT?!!"

Nite Owl gasped. "Oh my god...you're gonna give me cancer?! YOU'RE DEFINITELY SATAN...WITH THE MUSCULAR STRUCTURE OF AN EFFEMINATE BODY-BUILDER!!!"

"ARGH!!! YOU MORONS ARE NOT LISTENING TO ME!!! YOU'RE NOT LISTENING AT ALL!!!"

Pulling down his trousers, Rorschach stated dryly, "Must always stay ahead...give you cancer before you can give me cancer...take off clothes now..."

Sighing heavily, Ozymandias began to wish that he had warped his giant alien here instead of New York...


	18. Pretty Fly For A Masked Guy

Disclaimer: I do not own Watchmen. Nor do I own the song "Pretty Fly For A White Guy" by Offspring.

* * *

**_PRETTY FLY FOR A MASKED GUY_**

Give it to 'em, Rorschach. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.  
Give it to 'em, Rorschach. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.  
Give it to 'em, Rorschach. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.  
And all the policemen say I'm pretty fly...  
For a masked guy.  
Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, cinco, seis.

You know it's kind of hard  
Just to get along today.  
Our costumes aren't cool,  
But we think it anyway.  
Rorschach always has a clue;  
but he may not have style.  
But everything he lacks  
Well he makes up in denial!

So don't debate, a vigilante straight  
You know he really doesn't get it anyway!  
He's gonna beat that guy on the field, and keep it real.  
For you, no way, for you, no way.  
So if you don't rate, just overcompensate.  
At least you'll know you can always go on America's Most Wanted.  
The world needs vigilantes.  
So (Hey! Hey!) do that brand new thing.

Give it to 'em. Rorschach. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.  
Give it to 'em, Rorschach. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.  
Give it to 'em, Rorschach. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.  
And all the policemen say I'm pretty fly...  
For a masked guy.

He needs some cool grub,  
Not just any will suffice.  
But they didn't have Sugar Cubes,  
So he bought Canned Beans.  
Now cruising in his owlship,  
He sees homies as he pass.  
But if they look twice,  
He's gonna kick their unmasked asses.

So don't debate, a vigilante straight  
You know he only thinks he gets it anyway.  
He's gonna beat that guy on the field, and keep it real.  
For you, no way, for you, no way.  
So if you don't rate, just overcompensate.  
At least you'll know you can always go on America's Most Wanted.  
The world loves vigilantes.  
So (Hey! Hey!) do that brand new thing

Now he's makin' a mask.  
Yeah he's gettin' ink blots done.  
He asked for a 'butterfly',  
But they drew a 'sun'.  
Daniel say he's trying too hard  
And he's not quite hip.  
But in his own mind  
He's the, he's the dopest trip.

Give it to 'em, Rorschach. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.  
Give it to 'em, Rorschach. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.  
Give it to 'em, Rorschach. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.  
Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, cinco, seis.

So don't debate, a vigilante straight  
You know he really doesn't get it anyway.  
He's gonna beat that guy on the field, and keep it real.  
For you no way, for you no way.  
So if you don't rate, just overcompensate.  
At least you'll know you can always go on America's Most Wanted.  
The world needs vigilantes.  
Oh the world loves vigilantes.  
So let's get some more vigilantes.  
And (Hey! Hey!) do that brand new thing.


	19. The Stoner Part 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Watchmen.

A/N: Expect this OC of mine to possibly appear in future chapters along with part 2, which is the next chapter, of course...

* * *

**_THE STONER, PART 1_**

Out of the many poorly-named "super villains" that the Minutemen had faced, 'The Stoner' was most likely the most unique, and the most dangerous of them all. Originally a mild-mannered homeless man who resided in a cardboard box in the alleyway beside the home of Daniel Dreiberg, it was not until this grungy hairy dude got his hands on some class-A weed that his transformation into a deadly agent of evil truly began.

At first, he appeared to be the typical crackhead, always zoned out and barely in touch with reality for a set period of time. However, as more and more cocaine, meth, marijuana and other dangerous drugs got into his system, he unleashed upon the unsuspecting New York a new type of stoner, the kind of stoner that would harass you to no end with his simplistic questions and failed understanding to comprehend even the most simple of words. Hell, one of his victims actually committed suicide just to escape!

He would constantly ask the same thing over and over, and point out obvious inconsistences to the point that it's not even inconsistent anymore. When Rorschach came back after attempting to take him down, the poor man was unable to speak full sentences any longer. He had to jam a pencil deep into his own cheek so his screams could drown out the druggie's endless rambling. Before losing consciousness, the only word Rorschach spoke was this:

"Devil..."

With the police force, and even Rorschach, unable to stop him, the Minutemen sent in their most powerful member to take him down; Dr. Manhattan...


	20. The Stoner Part 2

Disclaimer: I do not own the Watchmen.

Part 3 is next...!!!!

* * *

**_THE STONER PART 2_**

As Dr. Manhattan slowly approached the alleyway where The Stoner had been reported to have been seen, the naked blue man began to grow worried.

'This is very odd...the tachyons seem to be acting strange...I cannot see the outcome of our confrontation, but I can see everything else beyond that, including Rorschach's death at my hand...what could this all mean? I hope this doesn't cause any problems...all I have to do is blow him up, anyway...'

Unfortunately, this would not be so.

Upon confronting The Stoner, a homeless old man whose clothes were made of rags and his face was covered in hair, the first thing that caught Dr. Manhattan unusually off-guard was the rancid stench. 'Damn...it stinks worse than Laurie's 'private place'...' Dr. Manhattan thought, wafting his hand in front of his nose. Suddenly, he realized that The Stoner was staring up at him with a look of pure awe on his out-of-wack scruffy face.

"Duuuuuuuuuuuude...you're blue!" The Stoner exclaimed as if it was such a shocking fact. Dr. Manhattan rolled his glowing white eyes.

"Yes...yes, I am..." Dr. Manhattan replied calmly. He wasn't about to let himself be shaken up so easily by this dangerous man's words.

Suddenly, The Stoner began to sing to himself. "You're blue, da ba dee da ba dee da ba deeeee...You're blue...You're blue...you have a blue house with a blue window-"

Covering his ears with his hands, Dr. Manhattan screamed, "SHUT UP, YOU BASTARD!!! SHUT UP!!! I HATE THAT SONG SO FRICKIN' MUCH!!!!"

"Ha ha ha ha...dude, you're blue...and naked...dude, that's just FUZZIN' AWEZUM...I mean, sweiously! Is...is so cool, dawg...keh heh..." Scooping up a handful of dirt, The Stoner dumped the stuff into his mouth and swallowed it with ease. Dr. Manhattan realized now that this man may be a stoner, but he was also mentally ill too. Thus, there was only one way to aid such a poor, misguided soul...

...he had to kill him.

Dr. Manhattan raised his hand, fully prepared to blow away The Stoner's ugly mug, but then, something happened that he would never forget.

The Stoner...offered him a bag of marijuana.

"...Want some?"


	21. The Stoner Part 3

Disclaimer: I do not own Watchmen.

* * *

**_THE STONER PART 3_**

It had been several hours since Dr. Manhattan had left to eliminate The Stoner, and now the Minutemen were getting worried.

"Maybe we should see if he's okay..." Laurie suggested.

The Comedian scoffed loudly. "Are you flippin' kidding me, little missy? He's INVINCIBLE, for damn's sake! There's no way he could lose to some stupid stoner...!!"

Suddenly, a loud explosion was heard, and it shook the very foundation of the apartment. Looking out the window, Laurie was horrified to see a large mushroom-shaped cloud forming over the center of New York. She knew of only one person that could do something like this: Dr. Manhattan.

Laurie sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. "...Let's go...he needs our help..."

Nite Owl and the others nodded, and quickly got into gear. Running up to the roof of the building, the Minutemen climbed into the owl ship and prepared for take-off. The Comedian was the last to get on, as he was still reluctant to believe that Dr. Manhattan actually needed their help.

"Batman rip-off..." Rorschach grunted under his breath as he glanced around the interior of the owl ship.

"Shut up!!" Nite Owl scowled, their flying vessel slowly lifting off into the air. Glancing out the fronthead window of the ship, Laurie winced at the sight she was now seeing. Nite Owl made the same expression.

"We better hurry," she suggested, "I see a giant blue naked man humping the Empire State Building..."

* * *

"Daaaaaaaaamn...this stuff is LUMBERJACKIN' AWESOME!!!! I FEEL LIKE ONE OF THOSE SEXY NURSES IN A PORNO!!!" Dr. Manhattan exclaimed as he continued to slam his crotch up against the right side of the Empire State Building. There was no doubt in anyone's mind that he was now totally stoned.

Sitting up on the blue man's shoulder, The Stoner chuckled loudly and exclaimed, "Oh, yeah?!! So do I, and I'm not wearin' no shit!! Oh, oh, oh!! Check out that dude down there!!! Rabbits with wings are sprouting out of his chest like wildfire!!! WHOOOOOOPIE!!!! I'm...I'm going CRAZY!!!!"

"SAME HERE, BRUDDA!!!! SAME HERE!!!!"

As the owlship drew slowly closer, Nite Owl had Rorschach take over the controls. "Keep it steady," Nite Owl instructed as he opened the ceiling hatch and climbed out onto the roof of the tiny flying machine. Reaching into his back-pocket, Nite Owl unsheathed a small laser-pen, and as he attempted to keep himself from falling over in the speeding winds, he aimed it directly at The Stoner's head.

'Ready...ready...NOW!!!' Closing one eye, Nite Owl fired the beam...


	22. When I Grow Up

Disclaimer: I do not own Watchmen. Nor do I own the song 'When I Grow Up' by the Pussycat Dolls.

A/N: Lol, I found Japanese Watchmen fanart...

I wanna write some more Watchmen stuff, I really do...it's such a great little thing...

HOWEVER!!!! YOU WON'T GET THE FINAL CHAPTER OF THE AMAZING 'THE STONER' ARC UNTIL NEXT CHAPTER!!!

* * *

**_WHEN I GROW UP_**

Criminals call you sexy (What's up, sexy)  
And you don't care what they say  
See, every time you turn around  
They screamin' in fear of your name

[Verse 1]  
Now I've got a confession hahaha  
When I was young I wanted justice hahaha  
And I promised myself that I'd do anything hahaha  
Anything at all to throw criminals in jail hahahaha

[Bridge]  
But I ain't complaining  
We all wanna be vigilantes  
So go ahead and say what you wanna say  
You know what it's like to be faceless  
Don't Want them to see what your face is  
'Cause see when I was younger I would say!

[Chorus]  
When I grow up,  
I wanna be kickass,  
I wanna be a hero,  
I wanna be a vigilante!

When I grow up,  
I wanna save the world,  
Drive nice owlships,  
I wanna have Masked Buddies!

When I grow up,  
Don't Wanna Be on TV,  
People still know me  
I be on magazines!

When I grow up,  
Dirty and smelly,  
Number one vigilante when I step out on the scene!

[Hook x2]  
But be careful what you wish for,  
'Cause you just might get it!  
But you just might get it!  
But You just might get it!

[Verse 2]  
They used to tell me I was silly,  
Until I popped up on the Fox News TV,  
I always wanted to be a masked hero,  
And knew that arresting lawbreakers would get me this far!

[Bridge]  
But I ain't complaining  
We all wanna be vigilantes  
So go ahead and say what you wanna say  
You know what it's like to be faceeless  
Don't Want them to see what your face is  
'Cause see, when I was younger I would say!

[Chorus]  
When I grow up,  
I wanna be kickass,  
I wanna be a hero,  
I wanna be a vigilante!

When I grow up,  
I wanna save the world,  
Drive nice owlships,  
I wanna have Masked Buddies!

When I grow up,  
Don't Wanna Be on TV,  
People still know me  
I be on magazines!

When I grow up,  
Dirty and smelly,  
Number one vigilante when I step out on the scene!

[Hook x2]  
Be careful what you wish for  
'Cause you just might get it!  
You just might get it!  
You just might get it!

[Chorus]  
When I grow up,  
I wanna be kickass,  
I wanna be a hero,  
I wanna be a vigilante!

When I grow up,  
I wanna save the world,  
Drive nice owlships,  
I wanna have Masked Buddies!

When I grow up,  
Don't Wanna Be on TV,  
People still know me  
I be on magazines!

When I grow up,  
Dirty and smelly,  
Number one vigilante when I step out on the scene!

[Hook x2]  
Be careful what you wish for,  
'Cause you just might get it!  
You just might get it!  
You just might get it!


	23. The Stoner Part 4

Disclaimer: I do not own Watchmen.

* * *

**_THE STONER PART 4 (THE CONCLUDING CONCLUSION OF THIS EPICALLY EPIC TALE):_**

The laster beam fired from Nite Owl's pen, and it flew straight towards The Stoner's head at a blinding speed...only for Cthulhu to burst out of Dr. Manhattan's chest and swat away the blast with a swipe of its hand.

Nite Owl's eyes bulged out so far that his goggles shattered to pieces. "....HOLY CRAP!!!!"

Rorschach, who was still piloting the owlship, let out a gasp. "CTHULHU?!!!! ARCH-NEMESIS...MUST KILL!!!!"

Rorschach jumped out the window, only to realize they were still in mid-air, and he plummeted to his death without a word. Sighing heavily, Laurie now took the controls for Archie, and brought it up beside Dr. Manhattan's giant head. The Minutemen knew they had to hurry; the blue guy looked like he was about to finally cut loose...if you get what I mean. I hope you don't.

Leaping off of Archie, Nite Owl landed beside The Stoner, and smashed his fist into the stoned hobo's face. With that single punch, The Stoner rolled off of Dr. Manhattan's shoulder, and fell to the ground, dying upon impact with the concrete. In the last few minutes, two people, one of them being the very reason that Watchmen is so popular, have died.

"Alright, Jon!!!" Nite Owl shouted into Dr. Manhattan's ear, "We killed The Stoner for you! Now...shrink back down to normal, go back home, take a nice hot bath, brush your teeth, and go to bed!! Tomorrow, you'll feel alot better! I promise!!!"

Dr. Mahanttan licked his lower lip, deep in thought. "...Really?"

Nite Owl shrugged. "Whatever will get you stop trying to steal the Empire State Building's virginity...sure, yeah..."

"I'LL DO IT!!!!" Dr. Manhattan screamed proudly, and his face transformed into that of a platypus.

Then...the world exploded into thousands of tiny fragments, and those fragments drifted through empty space for about 500 years before coming across a black hole, which devoured the fragments, and then imploded upon itself, shattering the entire universe in its destruction...

----

----

----

----

----

----

----

----

----

After that latest trip he just experienced, The Stoner tossed a hateful glare at the bag of weed in his gruby hands, and threw it into a trash can, disgusted to even look at it now. He had decided to turn over a new leaf.

'...God, who knew that drugs could fill your mind with such MIND-WARPED SHIT...?!!' he thought, shaking his head.


	24. April Fools Day

Disclaimer: I do not own Watchmen.

A/N: Also, The Stoner will make appearances later on as a cameo of sorts in various tiny one-shots...and he will kind of be like Dr. Manhattan's BFF or something. Only now, his name is The Rehaber or something like that...

And the next chapter will involve lots and lots of cross-dressing, both male and female, and a screwed-up timeline, since it takes place during the Vietnam War battle, and Rorschach and Nite Owl II and Silk Spectre II are there....but you'll read it when it's done...or maybe it'll be something completely different.

Who can say? Not I, that's for certain...

* * *

**_APRIL FOOL'S DAY_**

Laurie watched in silence as The Comedian paced back and forth in front of her, the smoke of his cigar rising up in front of his face. It had been about ten minutes ago that he requested that they speak alone in this room like this, and he had yet to say a single word. The wizened vigilante seemed nervous about something. Glancing at her watch, Laurie scowled. She didn't like to keep Jon waiting in bed; he sometimes gets cranky when he doesn't get his daily session of anal sex. And she was the one delivering it...with a strap-on.

"Look, just tell me what you want to tell me, so I can leave already!!" Laurie snapped as she crossed her arms in annoyance.

The Comedian sighed. He looked so sad as he stared back at her. Slowly, he removed the cigar from between his lips, snuffed it out against the sole of his shoe, and threw it in the trash. Sitting down on a large armchair, The Comedian cupped his hands together, and let out yet another heavy sigh.

"Laurie Jupiter...you see, I've been...keeping something from you...both me and your mother..."

Laurie raised an eyebrow in suspicion. "...What?"

Suddenly, the back door swung open, and Laurie's mother stepped in, looking as equally depressed as The Comedian. Laurie was speechless; just what the hell was going on?

Laurie's mother placed a hand on The Comedian's shoulder, and quietly whispered, "...Tell her, Edward. She's a big girl now...she can handle it..."

"Tell me what?!!" Laurie exclaimed, "What's going on here?!! I want answers!!!"

The Comedian stared Laurie directly in the eyes. "Laurie Jupiter...I am your father...despite everything that had happened between me and your mother in the past, something happened and...you were born..."

"....Oh..."

At that instant, all of the color drained from Laurie's face. Barely able to open her mouth, she stammered, "...Are you...are you serious?"

No one said anything, and then...

The Comedian and Laurie's mother both burst out laughing. A large question mark formed over Laurie's head as she watched the two old people standing before her attempt to speak through their overwhelming chuckles.

"APRIL FOOLS!!!" The Comedian screamed at the top of his lungs, "YOUR REAL DAD IS ACTUALLY MOTHMAN!!!!"

Laurie cursed under her breath. '...I KNEW IT...'


	25. Your Horoscope For Today, Watchmen Style

Disclaimer: I do not own do I own the song 'Your Horoscope For Today' by Weird Al Yankovic. I already did two parody fics with this song already...geez...BUT I CAN DO WHAT I WANT, HA HA HAAAH!!!

I'll do the cross-dressing chapter thing next time...

I realized that alot of songs could work with Watchmen in some way, but only certain ones have the kind of lyrics that could be altered like this.

* * *

**_YOUR WATCHMEN HOROSCOPE FOR TODAY_**

Aquarius (Nite Owl II):  
There's travel in your future when your cape gets stuck to the back of your owlship!  
Fill that void in your pathetic life by lamenting on your failing love life seventeen hours a day

Pisces (Mothman):  
Try to avoid any Reds or Soviets with a love for war,  
You are the true Lord of the Crazy, no matter what those idiots in the masks say!

Aries (Silk Spectre II):  
The look on your face will be priceless when you find out your dad's an asshole,  
Sleep in bed with a naked blue man, then give a hickey to the Batman-wannabe!

Taurus (Rorschach):  
You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, grumble about it?  
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of random stuff, and then go back to sleep!

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)  
That's your horoscope for today  
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)  
That's your horoscope for today

Gemini (Dr. Manhattan):  
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence!!!  
Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance hurls a pair of earrings you bought her through your chest!

Cancer (Moloch):  
The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week getting harassed by a weirdo,  
Try not to get shoved into a cold refrigerator while being interrogated!

Leo (Hooded Justice):  
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it on Captain Metropolis's door, oh no  
Eat a bucket of chili-flavored pudding, then beat the crap out of a bastard trying to rape your "girlfriend"!!!

Virgo (Bubastis):  
All Virgos are extremely friendly and lovable - except for you!!  
Expect a big surprise today when you get blown to mere atoms by your very master!!!

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)  
That's your horoscope for today  
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)  
That's your horoscope for today

Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely  
that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have  
a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you,  
but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions  
are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have  
to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of the is absolutely true.

Where was I?

Libra (The Silhouette):  
A big promotion is just around the corner for a vigilante much more talented that you!!!  
Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when you get killed alongside your lesbian lover next week!!!

Scorpio (The Comedian):  
Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming through a glass window!  
Work a little harder on improving the fact you're dead, you perverted freak!!!!

Sagittarius (Ozymandias):  
All of America is about to go to war against Russia (kill them)!!!  
Take down all those uncensored pictures of Dr. Manhattan you've got hanging in your den!

Capricorn (Captain Metropolis):  
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, but you know they're lying!  
If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again!

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)  
That's your horoscope for today  
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)  
That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)  
That's your horoscope for today  
That's your horoscope for today (yay yay yay yay yay)  
That's your horoscope for today


	26. The Alternate Ending

Disclaimer: I do not own Watchmen. My works do not represent the characters' actual thoughts, views or opinions in any way, shape or form. This is a satirical work, and is not meant to be seen as hate propaganda. I have no permission whatsoever to write about said characters, but I will anyway.

Enjoy.

Also, I just realized one of the perfect songs that would fit Ozymandias: 'My Evil Plan to Save The World' by Five Iron Frenzy.

Do you wish this was what happened at the end, instead...? Well, at least with NEITHER character dying, anyway...?

* * *

**_Alternate Ending_**

Sighing, Rorschach pulled off his mask, revealing his grungy face. "...Well, what are you waiting for? Do it..."

"Rorschach..."

"DO IT!!!"

Dr. Manhattan raised his hand ever so slightly, and fired a lightning-fast beam of nuclear energy from his fingertips. Rorschach closed his eyes, fully prepared to give in to the fate of death that he had single-handedly evaded for so many years.

However, at that moment, due to the high-pressure freezing winds around them, the bloodied smiley face button within Rorschach's coat pocket flew out, and was now directly in the way of the beam. Dr. Manhattan let out a gasp of shock, just as his blast ricocheted off of the small yellow button, and it smashed into his chest, disintegrating him into nothingness once and for all. There was silence.

Rorschach opened one eye very slowly. "...Hrrm..."

Shrugging his shoulders, he put back on his mask, picked up the button, and continued to make his way back to the owlship, so he can reveal Ozymandias's deception to the entire world...


	27. Let's Play The Watchmen Video Game!

Disclaimer: I do not own Watchmen.

A/N: I know the full game is out already, but I can't buy it since I don't have any money of my own. Also, please ignore the little fact that the PS3 was not around in the mid-1980's.

PLEASE REVIEW, EVERYONE!!!

* * *

**_LET'S PLAY THE GAME!_**

When Daniel Dreiberg returned home that evening, he wasn't at all surprised to find Rorschach already there, sitting on the floor of the living room while playing Daniel's new PlayStation 3. Oddly enough, instead of playing Grand Theft Auto 4 or Street Fighter 4 (he claims that these games help him practice for real-life situations) like usual, he was busy downloading the recently released demo of the Watchmen videogame.

"Hey, Rorschach," Daniel said as he hung his coat up in the closet, "Enjoying yourself?"

"Hurm...waiting for long time...getting tired of waiting...getting pissed..." Rorschach grumbled.

"Well, don't go breaking the controller like you did last time," Daniel told him as he walked into the kitchen to get a snack. Finally, the game had finished downloading, and Rorschach let out a sigh of relief. He pressed the 'X' button, and began to feel a bit giddy as the game began. First, it was a crappy comic-like cinematic to set off the "supposed" plot, but Rorschach simply skipped through it. He didn't have time for this crap.

"Wanna play already, dammit..."

Finally, he now had to choose to play as either Nite Owl or Rorschach. Of course, Rorschach chose to play as himself. Then...the gameplay itself finally started up.

"Hurm...prisoners coming at me from all directions...must snap their necks..."

Daniel walked back into the living room with a turkey sandwich, and took a seat. However, just as he was about to pick up the sandwich, Rorschach reached out, grabbed it, took a large bite out of the bottom, and placed it back on Daniel's plate. Sighing, Daniel put the plate besides Rorschach and headed back into the kitchen once again.

A few more minutes passed, and Rorschach was still playing. He had finished off the rest of the turkey sandwich as well. As he beat up yet another of the 20-odd prisoners he's defeated so far, the masked vigilante suddenly realized something rather shocking.

'...WHY THE HELL IS THIS GAME SO REPETITIVE?!'


	28. Laurie The Fatty

Disclaimer: I do not own Watchmen.

A/N: The very idea actually made me LOL in real life. :P

* * *

**_LAURIE THE FATTY_**

As Daniel Dreiberg, Edward Blake and Walter Kovacs sat around in the living room, Dr. Manhattan took a sip of tea and decided to speak up.

"I think I should let you all know...that when Laurie enters the room, she will be a bit...different...all thanks to my special reality-altering abilities..." The blue man smirked.

Nite Owl raised an eyebrow, and asked, "Uh...exactly what does that mean?"

Suddenly, just before Jon could reply, Laurie Jupiter herself stormed into the room, and everyone's eyes grew wide in shock, while Dr. Manhattan himself just started chuckling under his breath.

"Where the hell are my cigarettes?!! You know that I get pissed if I don't have a smoke every now and then!!!" Laurie shrieked in fury as she stomped into the living room, her new fluffy 205-pounds body jiggling violently. Her body was barely able to be contained within her spandex suit, which was close to snapping in half if she dared to eat another slice of cake or an entire blueberry pie. Her breasts were like two round soft melons attached to her chest, while her belly had formed out into three nice flabby rolls. Her arms were plump with fat. Her face was cherubic and puffy, with two fat red cheeks and a double chin. Her thighs were monstrous and thick, and her ass stuck out several inches, each butt cheek the size of a small tire. For some reason, Laurie herself was either completely unaware of her immense size, or she knew and just didn't give a damn.

At that moment, a spray of blood spewed from Walter's nostrils, and he crashed forward onto the floor. Slowly, he dipped his finger in the blood, and began to write LAURIE, but lost consciousness just as he finished the 'A'. Dr. Manhattan burst out into full-blown laughter, while The Comedian was at a loss for words, as was Daniel. Laurie placed her hands on her hips, and tears in the fabric began to form underneath her fattened armpits.

'Wow...didn't know that Rorschach was an FA (Fat Admirer)...' Daniel thought, taking a quick glance at Rorschach's body before looking back at Laurie's giant, plump boobs.


	29. Laurie's Is Bigger Than Dr Manhattan's

Disclaimer: I do not own Watchmen.

A/N: This has really begun to take a turn for the bizarre...

* * *

**_DR. MANHATTAN'S SADNESS_**

Daniel Dreiberg was fixing himself a cup of coffee when he heard the front door slam shut. He let out a heavy sigh.

'Ugh..Rorschach, can't you just ring the doorbell like a NORMAL human being?'

However, when Daniel walked back into the living room, he was surprised to find not Rorschach, but Dr. Manhattan sitting on his couch, his face buried in his glowing blue hands. It seemed he had been crying just recently. Daniel was at a loss.

"J...Jon, I wasn't expecting you of all people..." Daniel breathed. The atomic man was so distraught that he had actually walked here instead of simply teleporting like usual!

"Forgive me for barging in, Daniel," Dr. Manhattan said, "But...you're the only one I can talk to who will actually listen to my problems..."

"Huh?"

"Rorschach is crazy and couldn't care less, The Comedian is a meanie, Ozymandias will keep staring at my dick during the entire conversation, and Laurie is the problem herself, so that is why you're the only one I can speak to about this..." The blue man explained rather thoroughly.

"I...I see. So what seems to be the problem?" Daniel asked, taking a seat beside Dr. Manhattan.

Dr. Manhattan raised his head; he looked so old all of the sudden. "I'm...not sure if I should tell you,"

"Why not? You CAME here to tell me, didn't you?" Daniel replied.

Dr. Manhattan gasped. "Oh, yeah! Well, you see...I'm kinda jealous because Laurie has a bigger penis than me, and it makes me feel uncomfortable..."

Something inside Daniel snapped, and he collapsed to the floor. A clot had just exploded in his brain, kililng him instantly.

Dr. Manhattan shrugged.


	30. Dr Manhattan's Super Powers

Disclaimer: I do not own Watchmen. Nor do I own the song 'Milkshake' by Kelis.

* * *

**_DR. MANHATTAN'S SUPER POWERS_**

My super powers brings all the criminals to the jail,  
And their like,  
It's better than yours,  
Damn right it's better than yours,  
I can teach you,  
But I have to charge!

I know you want it,  
The thing that makes me,  
What the criminals go crazy for.  
They lose their minds,  
The way I warp through space,  
I think its watchmen time!

_[Chorus x2]_  
La la-la la la,  
Blow it up.  
Lala-lalala,  
The criminals are waiting.

My super powers brings all the criminals to the jail,  
And their like,  
It's better than yours,  
Damn right it's better than yours,  
I can teach you,  
But I have to charge!

I can see you're on it,  
You want me to teach thee!  
Techniques that freaks these criminals,  
It can't be bought, because you have to be blown into atoms first!  
Just know, thieves get caught,  
Watch if you're smart!!!

_[Chorus x2]_  
La la-la la la,  
Blow it up,  
La la-la la la,  
The criminals are waiting,

My super powers brings all the criminals to the jail,  
And their like  
It's better than yours,  
Damn right it's better than yours,  
I can teach you,  
But I have to charge

Oh, once you get involved,  
Everyone will look this way-so,  
You must maintain your naked charm,  
Same time maintain your blue wiener,  
Just get the perfect tachyons,  
Plus what you have within,  
Then next his eyes are squint,  
Then he's picked up your radioactive scent!

_[Chorus x2]_  
Lala-lalala,  
Blow it up,  
Lala-lalala,  
The criminals are waiting,

My super powers brings all the criminals to the jail,  
And their like,  
It's better than yours,  
Damn right it's better than yours,  
I can teach you,  
But I have to charge!!!!


	31. Super Watchmen Bros

Disclaimer: I do not own Watchmen.

* * *

**_SUPER WATCHMEN BROS._**

Daniel Dreiberg was sleeping peacefully on the couch when Rorschach suddenly leaped in through the window, wearing a pair of overalls and a green cap instead of his usual coat and fedora.

"DANIEL, WE HAVE A PROBLEM!!!!" Rorschach exclaimed.

Sitting up, Daniel let out a loud gasp. "WHAT IS IT?!!!"

"PRINCESS JUPITER HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED BY THAT MEAN, MEAN OZYMANDOWSER!!!"

"MAMA MIA!!!" Hopping to his feet, Daniel rushed downstairs to the basement, and soon came back up wearing the same pair of overalls and cap as Rorschach, only this time the cap was red.

"LET'S GO KICK SOME ASS!!!"

"YEAH!!! I GOT YOSHI-MANHATTAN WAITING OUTSIDE!!!"

"FUCKIN' SWEET!!!"

The two men quickly ran outside, and got onto the back of the blue, glowing dinosaur-like creature. It had a rather stoic expression on its goofy face.

"HIDY-HIDY-HO, YOSHI-MANHATTAN!!!" Daniel screamed, and the blue dinosaur teleported our two heroes to World 1-1, where they shall begin a perilous, and somewhat monotonous, journey to rescue the beloved Princess Jupiter from the clutches of the evil Ozymandowser and his poorly-named minions!!!


	32. The Worst Book Ever

Disclaimer: I am tired of these mutherfuckin' Watchmen on this mutherfuckin' plane!

* * *

**_THE WORST BOOK EVER_**

"Oh god...oh god...oh, god, Daniel...horrible...too horrible for words..."

Daniel Dreiberg sat up in bed, and realized that Rorschach was sitting on the foot of his bed, despite it being around 2 in the morning at the moment. As the former vigilante reached out to his night stand to grab his glasses, Rorschach continued to ramble on, rocking back and forth as he mumbled to himself. Daniel had never seen his usually-stoic friend in such a disturbed state before.

"It just can't be...not possible...not possible...no..."

"Uh, what seems to be the problem, Rorschach?" Daniel asked, shrugging off the whole 'it's frickin 2 in the morning' part of this situation.

"Daniel," Rorschach whispered, "Bought a novel today...thought I would like it...keep me busy when there's no crime...very wrong...horrible book...not a novel at all, but a comic...the drawing style was terribly poor, and I couldn't follow the dialogue at all...made no sense to me..."

Daniel shrugged. "So? A comic won't make much sense if you start reading about halfway through the series..."

"Yes, Daniel, I know, but...this COMIC...it was...it was listed as one of TIME Magazine's 100 best novels..."

Daniel's mouth fell agape. "NO FUGGIN' WAY."

"Mmm...fuggin'...horribly disappointed when I read it...it was all 12 issues packed together as one book...even with all of that, it all just flew over my head...if it was supposed to mean something about the way the human consciousenss works, then I'm a dumbass mudderfugger...best novel, my ass..."

"Do you...have the book with you right now?" At that moment, Daniel wanted nothing more than to set that demonic little book ablaze; he was rather passionate when it came to protecting the "virginity" of the literary world, despite knowing that stories being written like this one have done nothing but rape it violently and unendingly...in the buttocks.

Nodding, Rorschach reached into his coat, and pulled out a rather bulky yellow-and-black book. The word 'WATCHMEN' was written on the front cover, and there was a picture of a strange black dot with some sort of red stain over it. Taking the book into his hands, Daniel had the surren urge to tear it apart.

'THIS BOOK...IS THE DEVIL!!!!'


	33. Huh?

Disclaimer: I do not own Watchmen.

A/N: Seriously, though...I'm running out of ideas here...

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**_Huh?_**

Rorschach was sitting at his desk, busy at work on his test, when the teacher Dr. Manhattan came walking up beside him. The naked blue man had a stern expression on his face.

Rorschach glanced up. "...Is there a problem, sir?"

Without a word, Dr. Manhattan reached down and took the pencil from Rorschach's hands. He then brought it to his lips...and took a large bite out of it.

Rorschach gasped. 'HE...ATE...MY...PENCIL!!! ...HE ATE MY PENCIL!!!!'

Dr. Manhattan then handed the tiny stub that was once the pencil back to Rorschach, and he walked away.

In the end, Rorschach never got to finish that test.


	34. Ozymandias Fails Hard

Disclaimer: I do not own Watchmen.

A/N: I'm going to be gone for most of the week, so this will be the last update for a while...unless I make another chapter today, and that one will be the last one for the week pretty much.

I don't hate Watchmen at all, but I just sometimes have to poke fun of it to the point where it sounds like I'm hating on it, okay?

* * *

**_Ozymandias Fails Hard_**

"...So there you have it," Ozymandias concluded, "Faking an alien invasion is my evil plan to save the world from nuclear war!"

Nite Owl and Rorschach were speechless for a few seconds.

Then, pinching the bridge of his nose, Nite Owl sighed and said, "Okay...okay...okay...I, okay, I, okay...uh...Adrian...okay...uhhhhh...that...okay, that is just...god, I just can't even say how totally stupid that all sounds, okay?"

"What do you mean?" Ozymandias asked. He also wondered why the hell Nite Owl was saying 'okay' so much, too.

"Look, okay, it's...it's like this, okay? I mean...did the author pull this idea out of his fat, hairy ass at the last second? I mean, c'mon, besides a few REALLY subtle hints, there was absolutely NO foreshadowing about this! I mean, okay, just how lame is it to send an alien being you created with the use of millions of dollars into the middle of New York only to DIE upon arrival, just to trick the world into thinking that they were under attack by beings from another planet?! That's just...that's just sad...so half-assed...okay..."

"...Stupid..." Rorschach mumbled.

Ozymandias gasped loudly. "W-W-W-WHAT?!!!"

"I don't know who to feel more sorry for...the people in New York, or you..." Nite Owl remarked solemnly.

"I expected something cooler...very disappointed..." Rorschach grunted, scratching his armpit as he said this.

"Yeah, you kinda SUCK, Adrian...!!"

It was Ozymandias's turn to be speechless now.


	35. Rorschach Is NOT A Child Predator

Disclaimer: I do not own Watchmen.

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**_Rorschach Looks Like A Child Predator_**

Nite Owl heaved a heavy sigh. "Rorschach, we've been friends for a long, long time...and I think it's finally time that I tell you something that I've thought about over and over since we first met..."

"Oh?" Rorschach grunted, "What is it, Daniel...?"

"Uh...no, no...it's nothing...nothing at all..."

Rorschach took a step closer. "C'mon, Daniel...you can tell me. You can tell me anything..."

Nite Owl shook his head, replying, "No, I can't...even I told you, you'd just get mad..."

"Promise I won't..."

"...Promise?"

"Promise."

"Alright, then," Nite Owl crossed his arms and, taking in a deep breath, stated rather bluntly, "The truth is...I think your outfit and mask make you look like a child predator..."

"HURM...?!!!"


End file.
